Tuesday, October 27, 2009


I feel like I'm stuck in a nightmare. Yesterday I had to take my dad to the emergency room. He was in alot of pain and disoriented and just overall looking very scary. While I sat there looking at him lying in the emergency room it hit me like a ton of bricks that this is only the first of what will be many vigils. They gave him a stronger pain medication and sent us home. Like the doctor said - "given his situation, there is nothing we can do for him".

"The cancer has spread to your liver ,,,," . As the doctor gave my father his death sentence all I could do was watch his face. And that of my youngest brother. I already knew this but this time I was watching my father's face as he found out about it for the first time. The words made me feel cold all over... I thought I was going to faint. An interesting reaction given the fact I already knew. But now HE knows. Will he give up? Will he believe us when we act so positive that he will be around for a while yet?

As the doctor said this to him I wanted to get up and hug him. I wanted to hold him and tell him that we were going to wake up any minute... that this is not really happening. But had I gotten up and hugged him I could just see myself breaking into a million little pieces. Falling apart and knowing that they could not put me back together again. And my poor brother. The look of anguish, of pain on his face was more than I could take. He was working so HARD to keep it together, so hard to act like this was no more than a mechanic telling my dad he needed new tires for his car.

OMG. OMG. I have to get myself together. My father and my brothers need me. But I am grieving him already. I don't want to do that. I don't want to spend one minute of his life mourning him - I will have time to do that at his death. Everyone tells me to take strength and satisfaction from the fact that I've been a good daughter, that my brothers have been wonderful sons; that none of us have ever given him one day of pain. But I can't. I can't. All I can think about is that I will miss him every single day of my life.


  1. Hi Elena,
    I´m your age(by the end of next month) and my parents are still here having crossed the 70s some years ago.
    My mother had breast cancer in an early stage so I had to cope with some fears too.
    It is so difficult to say something comforting. For years now I try to look behind the senses of illness. There is always a reason behind it and only your dad can find out and understand . It is to look inside and of course you know that... as a mother of 4 a searcher... Live right now. Don´t look ahead. Love right now.
    Personally I believe human death is not the end. It is cruel and painful often but it is not the end. Love and light to you and your family.

  2. Oh, my friend, I do so feel and identify with your pain. I lost my father 16 years ago, a relatively young man then. Not a day goes by, even now, that he isn't in my thoughts at some time. Little comfort for you right now, perhaps, but know that eventually your thoughts will be of just the love and good memories, without the pain.
    In the mean while, you are all still here, so cherish what you still have, and allow yourself to take some strength from your many friends who are here for you.
    Much love,

  3. I am so sorry to hear of your fathers illness. I happened to have gone through this very same thing 8 years ago. I had the same reactions and I still am not "over it", and I know I never will be. All I can say is enjoy every moment you can while he is able to respond. I asked my father questions from his past which he was really interested in sharing. I wish I would have jotted them down after each visit. I wanted to absorb everything about him, secretly hoping he would stay with me forever that way. Life is not easy, so take each day and do the best you can. Gentle hugs my friend.My heart goes out to you.

  4. Hi Elena, I came to your blog from the Soul Journaling forum where I lurk.Although I am in the UK, your post just spoke to me soooo much. I lost my Dad 7 yrs ago and my Mum 6mths ago. My Mum was here one day and gone the next.It was a huge shock as nobody knew she had lung and bone cancer till the eve of her death. It is too late now to go and spend special and quality time with her. You can do this with your Dad, you can create new and special memories to live with you forever. It is not an easy journey that you have now embarked on and I wish you strength and peace. xxx