ONE DAY AT A TIME

So this is what it feels like. This is what it feels like to have absolutely no control over something. I don't like it. No, actually I HATE it. The shock is still there but now it's mixed with rage - but who to direct it to? It's mixed with fear - but how to calm it? It's mixed with guilt. How could we not have seen something was wrong? I see my dad today and I look at his picture of just a year ago and he's aged 10 years. How did we not see it? How could we not have seen that there was something very wrong with him? Would it have made a difference? I don't know. And it really doesn't matter. The answer to that question cannot be rational because the question itself is not rational. On one level I KNOW this.

Wow. What a horrible feeling to be totally helpless. What a humbling experience to realize that there are times in your life when no matter how desperately you want to control something ... how desperately you want to CHANGE something... there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. A new experience for me. Totally overwhelming.