HI EVERYONE

First, thank you so very very much for all your support during this nightmare. I truly truly appreciate your prayers and thoughts.

My brothers and I received a call from my dad's doctor today. He suggested that the 3 of us be there on Monday for his first chemo treatment because he doesn't believe my father will survive it. I don't understand any of this. I just don't understand how a man can go from perfectly healthy one day to literally dying in 3 weeks. This is so unbelievable.

SOMEONE PLEASE WAKE ME UP

I feel like I'm stuck in a nightmare. Yesterday I had to take my dad to the emergency room. He was in alot of pain and disoriented and just overall looking very scary. While I sat there looking at him lying in the emergency room it hit me like a ton of bricks that this is only the first of what will be many vigils. They gave him a stronger pain medication and sent us home. Like the doctor said - "given his situation, there is nothing we can do for him".

"The cancer has spread to your liver ,,,," . As the doctor gave my father his death sentence all I could do was watch his face. And that of my youngest brother. I already knew this but this time I was watching my father's face as he found out about it for the first time. The words made me feel cold all over... I thought I was going to faint. An interesting reaction given the fact I already knew. But now HE knows. Will he give up? Will he believe us when we act so positive that he will be around for a while yet?

As the doctor said this to him I wanted to get up and hug him. I wanted to hold him and tell him that we were going to wake up any minute... that this is not really happening. But had I gotten up and hugged him I could just see myself breaking into a million little pieces. Falling apart and knowing that they could not put me back together again. And my poor brother. The look of anguish, of pain on his face was more than I could take. He was working so HARD to keep it together, so hard to act like this was no more than a mechanic telling my dad he needed new tires for his car.

OMG. OMG. I have to get myself together. My father and my brothers need me. But I am grieving him already. I don't want to do that. I don't want to spend one minute of his life mourning him - I will have time to do that at his death. Everyone tells me to take strength and satisfaction from the fact that I've been a good daughter, that my brothers have been wonderful sons; that none of us have ever given him one day of pain. But I can't. I can't. All I can think about is that I will miss him every single day of my life.

A BEAUTIFUL GIFT

I went to work today not because I wanted or needed to really but because if I stayed here all day just thinking about everything I was going to go nuts. I had several packages I received in the mail... things I bought.... swaps that I am hosting. And then I opened one from my friend Valerie Brincheck (owner of TheSumofAllATCS@yahoogroups.com). In that envelope was this beautiful bracelet! All the charms on it were made by Valerie and another friend from that group, Nancy Allen. Each and every charm was handmade by them. It made me want to cry. What a beautiful gift; how heartfelt and sincere!

The group had hosted a charms swap and Valerie made bracelets for everyone. I did not participate in the swap because, frankly, I have never made charms and was a little intimidated by it! I kept seeing all these gorgeous charms being made and was in awe of all the wonderful ideas these talented women had! I have to admit I had regretted NOT joining the swap! LOL!!!

And to receive these wonderful charms from these two ladies just made my day. It's like I told them earlier today, wearing it I realize that no matter how painful a day is, there are always wonderful generous people to reach out to you and say "I'm here and I love you".

Thank you Val and Nancy!!! I will treasure this always!

THANK YOU

Thank you everyone for all your wonderful emails, thoughts and prayers. I am sorry if I am not responding to everyone - I just can't right now. But as I was sitting here today feeling angry at God.... a thought floated into my heart.... a thought that I truly believe He sent me... My daughter is pregnant with my second grandchild and she is due at the end of April. God is taking my father but giving me a new child to love. Coincidence? I really don't thik so.

THE WAITING IS OVER

The doctors have handed down my father's death sentence today. The cancer has spread in to his liver, his lymph nodes, his neck.... everywhere. The speculation, the wishing and the hope is over. It's over for him. I just can't get my head around it.

ONE DAY AT A TIME

So this is what it feels like. This is what it feels like to have absolutely no control over something. I don't like it. No, actually I HATE it. The shock is still there but now it's mixed with rage - but who to direct it to? It's mixed with fear - but how to calm it? It's mixed with guilt. How could we not have seen something was wrong? I see my dad today and I look at his picture of just a year ago and he's aged 10 years. How did we not see it? How could we not have seen that there was something very wrong with him? Would it have made a difference? I don't know. And it really doesn't matter. The answer to that question cannot be rational because the question itself is not rational. On one level I KNOW this.

Wow. What a horrible feeling to be totally helpless. What a humbling experience to realize that there are times in your life when no matter how desperately you want to control something ... how desperately you want to CHANGE something... there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. A new experience for me. Totally overwhelming.

JOURNALING WITH ALTERED PHOTOS TODAY

I used the altered photos in my Soul Journal today and these are the pages I completed.

TOUGH DAYS AHEAD

The only thing that distracts me right now is art. I spent the entire day Friday with my friend Jacquie Valdespino - a fabulous artist and an even more fabulous lawyer. We spent the whole day in my "play room". It was great. I wasn't dwelling on my dad's illness and the results that we are waiting for with our hearts in a vise. The tests that will tell us if the cancer has spread.

Today I have my daughter and granddaughter here and they are like rays of sunshine. I joined an on-line workgroup SOUL JOURNALING ADVANCED TECHNIQUES. They are on week 4 and I started yesterday but am now almost caught up. The first class was just making your journal and adding pages to it for a really cool effect. The second class was about altering photos which I had fun doing; and the third class was about opening windows in our journal pages. That's as far as I got. Next on the agenda is making some cool tags to add to our journal. The Journal is what it sounds like - SOUL JOURNALING - journaling about feelings and things that we would probably not choose to journal about. I think it will be a great experience - especially now that my family is going through this crisis.

These are the altered pictures I did. The last three pictures are just regular pictures that I altered. They are all of my granddaughter Kaitlynn because her face makes me happy. The first 3 are pictures printed on my wonderful POGO Printer that Lee sent me!! They are 2x3 and self adhesive so they are absolutely perfect for journaling! You can take it wherever you go and print out your pictures while journaling! I LOVE it!! (Take a look at earlier post of this wonderful new toy!).

PAGES FOR MY FRIEND LILLIAN!

I finished Lil's pages today. These are for our project THROUGH THE EYES OF AN ARTIST.

A TRUE TEST OF FAITH

It's confirmed. My father has cancer and it doesn't look good for him. Tomorrow afternoon they are doing a scan to determine whether or not the cancer has metastasized. If it has not then there is a chance for a few years of decent life with chemo and radiation to shrink the tumor and remove it. If it has spread, then the options are much bleaker.

I am angry. I don't know why but I am so VERY angry. My father is such a good man. He has sacrificed his entire life for my brothers and I. He left his parents in Cuba for us - his siblings, his entire family. And to think that he will die like this makes me angry. Angry at life - angry at God. I don't want to feel anger, I want to accept God's will - whatever it is.

My father's illness will be a true test of my faith.

SECOND PAGE FOR GINA'S JOURNAL

I have just finished the second page for Gina's I Dream in Color Journal. I got this quote from Teesha Moore during the retreat I attended and love it's simplicity and truth.

It is so much easier now that I have a scanner! I bought the HP Photosmart Touch Screen all in one and it is awesome. There are a few things that aren't working properly and it probably has to do with my not knowing how to properly install it on a Mac but I'll get there!

TIM HOLTZ Video Demos

Tim Holtz is probably the most talented mixed media artists out there. He is kind enough to prepare demo videos to show us how to do the things he does!!! Gotta love this guy! You can see all his video demos HERE.

Most of us either have all his products or are on our way to acquiring them so drop in and see all the great things you can do with his products!

THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

Yesterday I was told that my father, the strongest, most honest man I have ever known may have terminal cancer. He has a mass in his stomach which is growing more and more every day. His doctors fear for him. The look in their eyes, the sound of their voice more than their actual words crush me where it's hard to breath.

I haven't cried. Can't do that yet because to do so means that I have accepted this as TRUTH, as FACT. That my father will die a painful, agonizing death brought on by an insidious disease that takes the lives not only of those it claims, but of those who have to watch a loved one die. See, I've been there before. December 2nd will be the 5th anniversary of my uncle's death from liver cancer. A man who was more like a big brother, a dear friend, then my mother's brother. A man who died a death I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

If I cry out loud it will confirm that this is really happening... that we now have to take our father's hand and hold him through this in the way he held us all our lives. If I cry I have to look at my brothers and say the words out loud .... I'm not ready to do that. Not yet.

My father does not know ... he is being told he has an ulcer which needs to be surgically removed. Why tell him now? Why cause the pain and the worry? There is always the chance that when they open him, when the surgeon takes my father's life into his hands, he will be able to remove it all - to excavate the demon that wants to take my dad from us. If he can't, if the disease has spread, there will be time enough for tears - time enough to tell him - time enough to..... is there really ever time enough to find acceptance? How? How do you accept losing the one man you can't replace in your life? My father is 74 years old... I'm not ready to lose him yet. And I am certainly not ready to watch him suffer.

So until the day we know whether or not it has spread... until the day we know whether or not my father will be taken from me by this awful disease, I will not cry. I will not cry and my tears will be the Elephant in the room.

Another Page For the Day

Constructive day. So many things whirling through my head that I don't want to think about. I lock myself in my studio when I feel like that ... alone but not lonely. Busy playing and surrounded by things that make me happy.

This is one of two pages I am doing for GINA GOODING for our I Dream In Colors project. I absolutely love this quote. It is so much fun to watch a page come together.

ZettiZine

This is yet another awesome project hosted by Ali Brandist. Ali has become a zetti fan like me!!! ZettiZine (like MagaZine - get it?) is a fun project with six artists. Each of us makes 12 pages (5 1/2 x 8). Ali followed Teesha Moore's steps in creating zetti pages and the final step is journaling. We are each actually cutting 6 pages but we do them front and back. Once the pages are done we send one to each of the six artists. Al my pages are done but for the journaling. I started journaling today and this is my first of 12 pages for ZettiZine.

Hope you like it!

My frustration knows no bounds today!!! UGGHHH!! I have a new scanner - yes, SHOULD be a good thing!! It is some fancy HP touch screen thing (HP Photosmart C320n) which does everything but make me coffee in the morning! I somehow did something wrong in installing it and have been on hold with HP all day long!! Great products!! Lousy customer support.

Anyway, add to that the fact that I have decided to use only the MAC now and it makes for some real frustration!! Okay, this is one of the pages I did for Val's Through the Eyes of an Artist Journal. There is a second page which I scanned but now can't find in the MAC Stratosphere!!

Oh well, it will get better!

TRYING TO FIND TIME TO PLAY!

There are so many MANY things I want to do and I just can't seem to find the time to do any of it! It is so frustrating! But I guess it could be worse - a lot worse - I could be unemployed! So thank God for the fact that I'm so busy!

Anyway, I received my Cricut Gypsy on Monday! It took two days to receive it! I haven't even opened the box yet but I will get to it and let you know how it works!

I have joined Sarah Whitmore's Soul Journaling and Advanced Soul Journaling classes. They are FANTASTIC! If any of you want to start to journal or are even experienced "art journalists" you should really look into her classes. She is amazing! She provides prompts for journaling which is sometimes all you need to get motivated. Well, they are on week 2 and I have not been able to do week 1 yet but I'm hoping I can catch up.

I was involved in a chunky book swap in the Advanced Artist Trading Cards Group with boudoir as a theme and these are a few of the 10 cards that I did for that. The zetti pages were done for two separate art journals with the theme Meditate and Create being sponsored by my friend Ali Brandist in my very favorite group, The Sum of All ATCs.

I'm hoping to get a lot done this week so I'll be back in a day or two!

A WONDERFUL JOURNALING TOY!

My sister-in-art Lee Hynes from Australia sent me the most wonderful gift last week! I consider myself pretty up to date on new "gadgets" but this one was a new one on me. Lee sent me a POLAROID POGO (Click HERE to see it).

I had never seen this before. It is a portable printer that prints picture in a 2x3 size - perfect for journals!!! It doesn't require any ink cartridges because the paper brings the ink on it!! (Remember the old polaroids?). You can attach it to your camera or your phone! Basically, with this wonderful toy, wherever you are you can print a picture and put it in your journal! (Did I tell you that the pictures are adhesive!!!). It's the best gift I've ever gotten and I can't tell you how flattered I am that Lee sent it to me! She even said it's something she wants desperately - and instead of ordering it for herself she ordered it for me! Can I tell you how wonderful that makes me feel?????

I am blessed to have the friends I have!

NEW TOY TO TALK ABOUT!

Hi guys, I tend to buy everything that looks cool and today I found a REALLY cool toy which I just ordered. It's called the CRICUT GYPSY. I have several Cricuts and this just seems like a MUST HAVE if you use the Cricut. I will be honest and tell you I really don't use the Cricut very much but I want this for when I DO use it!!!

Click HERE to see the CRICUT GYPSY and then click on the take a tour button to really want to run out and get it!!!!

Enjoy!