We brouught my father home to die yesterday. The trip from the hospital in the ambulance with him was surreal. It doesn't seem like it could possibly be happening.
What a humbling experience this has been. To love someone so much and to not be able to do anything but sit there and hold his hand... the feeling of desperations, impotency, rage, fear... it's all so tangled up and so totally overwhelming. The entire experience has been a life altering experience for me. From terror and disbelief on diagnosis... terror... anger - so much anger... resignation. From praying for a miracle... to praying for more time... to praying that God take him quickly.
I am with him... I just hold his hand. For the past few days he has been saying goodbye to us. Telling us how much he loves us.. how proud he's always been to be our father... how he has never regretted leaving his family behind to bring us to this country... When I was 16 years old I gave him one of those diplomas you find in a Hallmark Store that says "FATHER OF THE YEAR". My brothers and I signed it and gave it to him for Father's day back then. He has always had it in a frame in his bedroom. Today he asked me to take the "diploma" with me. That it is one of his "most prized possessions" and to promise him I would always keep it. It just about broke my heart.
He is saying goodbye. Words that are so wonderful and so awful to hear. My dad has never been an "emotional" or "mushy" man. He's always told us "I love you" but has never been comfortable with overt displays of emotion. To see him at his most vulnerable... to see how this disease has taken from him his last ounce of dignity...
I believe there is a God... I believe it to the bottom of my soul. I believe he will be reunited with those he loved and lost... that his mother will be at the gate with her arms open to him... that his Father will be there to hug him and welcome him home.
I HAVE to believe that. I have to believe this in order to have the courage to let him go to them.
The doctor has suggested a morphine drip which will ultimately stop his heart. My poor brother - Julio - is fighting this. He wants me to feed him... even if he can't eat or hold anything down... He wants me to "make" him sit out in the living room even when he can barely move... He just can't let go. So I have made the decision for us. As of today my father will receive the morphine drip which will help him leave us sooner... will help him move on to the arms of the grandmother I never knew. Will release my father from the pain and indignity of this horrible disease. This wll be my last gift to my dad.
I know I am making the right decision ... I know I am... but it is the hardest decision I have ever had to make.
Dearest Elena.
ReplyDeleteLove and Light to you during this sorrow filled time. You are so strong and I am sure that you have made the right decision. May Angels surround your Dad and your family as he takes the journey home to Heaven.
Hugs,
Brenda Bliss
My heart go out to you. To have to do this at any time is bad enough but to have to do this at this time of year must be heartbreaking.
ReplyDeleteMy Dad was on a drip for the the last few weeks and it was very hard for us as he became very confused, but the pain was a lot less for him so he could die with dignity.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Cath
As I sit here reading your words with tears in my eyes, my heart goes out to your & your family. It tells of your great love & respect for your father, to be able to let him go. I can only imagine how hard that decision is. Were I in your shoes I would do the same thing. Blessing & good thoughts to you.....Christine Henry Flint
ReplyDeleteI have been following your journey through all of this and I want you to know that you are in my heart - and your whole family. Yes, there is a God, Elena. Both my mom and dad are with him.
ReplyDeleteReba Kinney
I know how impossible this all seems, will you ever feel "right" again? You will. You are doing what must be done and have no doubts. You know I've been there; the love never goes away, the pain does subside, the memories are always there. You will smile again. Peace to you, my dear dear friend.
ReplyDeleteEileen
I'm so sorry Elena. My heart breaks with you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time.
ReplyDeleteMy Dear Elena, my heart is hurting for you, but you are doing the right thing and I hope I could be that strong when the time comes for me to let go of my Daddy..I can only imagine how you are feeling..Love to you and your family at the diffcult time..
ReplyDeleteyour friend, Brenda Schenck
Elena...I can say I know how you feel. Aug.2004 I brought my Dad to his home to die. I stayed with him and cared for him...he joined my Mom in heaven Dec.26,2004. He,too,needed morphine..to relieve his pain and make his time more comfortable.If it shortened his time with me,but made that time better...that was what mattered. You are giving your father the ultimate gift of love.
ReplyDeleteYou and your family are in my heart. I know the strength this takes,a strength born of love.
Elena, it is a very hard but very right decision to make! My father had two executors - me to do what you did and my brother to handle the money matters. I am glad you were courageous at the point your father needed you most.
ReplyDeleteElena, As I sit here and read the love in your words for and to your dad I feel the love you have for him and yes the morhine will help the pain but with help him to see the light and see the angels that awaits him at the gates I belive in what you do my dearest friend, Aa the tears run down my faceso bad i cant t=see to read your writting I wished I was there toi help you get thru this day, remember we are here for you , you are our sister and we love you
ReplyDeleteMaryRedford
Hey There Babe,
ReplyDeleteYOU ARE making the right decision. You might not have the support of others, but the best place to be (if at all possible) is at home with the ones that they love and cherish. You and your brothers can make it easier for your dad and you can be there 24/7. This is one of lifes hard decisions that we as children have to make on behalf of our parents. We have to know in our hearts that it right and you know what is the right choice.
Hugs from across the miles.