Saturday, November 2, 2013

The days are going by so quickly

There have been a lot of things happening that I would have liked to blog about.  Some good things. Some bad.

Writing has always been very therapeutic for me.  Yet there have been days lately when the idea of putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) takes a lot more energy than I seem to have.

Charlie got in trouble again.  Arrested for DUI on his birthday.  Violated his probation.  I don't think I even need to say how I feel about that.  I keep thanking God that nobody was hurt and try to see the positive in a very negative situation.  But either I'm getting too old for this stress, or I am just on overload with him.  

My granddaughters are growing and beautiful.  Savannah just turned two years old on October 29.  We went to Disney World that weekend and though exhausting, it's always wonderful to spend time with them and with my daughter.

Haven't felt very creative.  I'm working on a wonderful project by Kathy Orta.  It is going very slowly and I haven't gotten as much done as I wish I would have, but the idea is for it to be therapeutic and relaxing.  So I am taking my time.  It's called a memory box and it is absolutely spectacular.  I will blog about it, hopefully tomorrow, so you guys can see the amazing talent that Kathy is.

My partnership with Jessica and Bernadette is going wonderfully.  I am enjoying practicing law again and for that I am grateful.  It is great to have two talented women to bounce ideas off of.  I have always loved practicing law, but had lost sight of my love for the law within the stress of the everyday practice.  I am once again finding the passion in what I do.  I am luckier than most.

I need more "me" time.  I need to get into my studio and get full of paint and glue.  I need to cut beautiful paper and create something pretty.  But to be able to do that, to be able to enjoy the creative endeavors that I want to do, I need to breathe.  Right now, it's hard to breathe.

I need to learn to cope with all of the issues with my son.  He had been doing so well.  Although on an objective level I know that so many years of addiction do not just go away;  although I know that there will be relapses and there will be falls he will need to get up from;  although I know all of these things, it still breaks my heart in 300,000 pieces to see the light go out of his eyes. To see him struggle.  To see him so afraid of life that he would rather be numb to any feelings.  And all I can do is talk to him and continue to talk to him until he is so frustrated with me that we just both walk away from each other.  But I can't stop talking to him.  I can't stop trying to make him see what I see.  Not only am I not mentally able to stop doing it, I am afraid that if I do he will forget to breathe.

I am so grateful for so many wonderful things in my life.  I hold onto that as a drowning man holds onto whatever floats by him.  And sadly, I no longer know how to keep my head above water.  So I hold onto whatever I can and pray that one day things will be "normal" and I won't have to be so afraid all the time.


  1. Elena, I share your thoughts on finding 'me' time. Time to create. And finding ways to keep one's head above water. I have hit a wall and struggling to conquer the mountain in front of me. Thinking of you. Hope you find the time to laugh and create with friends. One day normality will happen and most likely when you least expect it. You are a wonderful person and a wonderful mother. Charlie will see that. He will one day see that the one person who never stopped believing in him was YOU! Love and hugs to you.

  2. I just wrote you a lengthy response and I think the whole thing got deleted. GRRRRR.....But I want you to know that I'm sorry about Charlie's recent difficulties and that I believe in him and that he will continue to try to find the right path. And I'm glad you are building up your strength with fun things in your life. Love you, pal. xoxo

  3. Dear one, you are loved. He hears you. Be comforted in that. He does hear, but he can't do much about it till he is ready. I know it's painful. I watched my daughter's father crash and burn. I had to leave. But that's what it took to turn the bus around too. He is not drinking and drugging anymore. He says he has been clean for a year. We left, but I understand it's different when it is your child. I'm so sorry it's difficult, and I will be praying for you...and Charlie.

    Art is good for frustration and despair too. Take a piece of paper and start slinging paint at it. lol Slap it around. Give it hell! It will make you feel less stressed I promise!

    I will be sending you a little package shortly...just to remind you that you are loved.


  4. Dear lady, you are loved. You will be in my prayers, and so will Charlie. It's hard to watch anyone self destruct, but particularly so when it is your child. I am going through it in the academic realm with my 13 yo. It's hard to stop talking to her to. Be comforted though. He hears you. I know he hears you. He will thank you when it's over.

    Art is very therapeutic in these situations too. Take a piece of paper and sling paint at it. Slap it around...give it hell and yell at it! I promise you will feel better! lol

    Be looking for a small package...just to remind you that you are loved!


  5. Holding Charlie before the Throne. Glad to read, too, that your mom is doing better, and that your law partnership is bringing you joy. (((((HUGS)))))

  6. Elena, hello dear friend iam going to remind you of what this blog is all about remember when you made it what you said ,?I do remember it was about YOU not your hubby not your kids just you my dear friend we all love you and we know the stress you must be going thru we need you as much as you need US never for get what you said it all about you Iam so glad to see you love law that much please do with it as much as you love it never let it go and god will lead you down that right path but you have to listen to him and the son just might floower you we love you Honey your friend.....