Monday, February 28, 2011


He was quiet for a few days... sleeping.  Yesterday he was back in the emergency room - high blood pressure, panic attack - he's never had those before.  Symptoms of withdrawal.  How horrible.

He called me yesterday totally paranoid - that they were poisoning him - that they were "peeing" in his food - he had not eaten in 4 days.  He refused to take any medication.  Spoke to his counselor.  The counselor assured me that this is all "normal".  How the HELL is this "normal"????  Normal???  ADDICTION is not normal!!!

Rough day yesterday.  Charlie told me he was "leaving" - he was "done".  He was talking 50 words a second - he sounded totally out of his mind.  It scared the hell out of me.   "Normal" huh?  Tell that to my heart.

Today I speak to him - he calls me - he sounds great.  Apologizes for "stressing [me] out"...  They put him in his own private room - he told them he doesn't "play nice with others".  He is convinced that his roommate was having sex with another man in the room while he was sleeping.  Jesus.  "Normal"?   Really????

But today he is calm.  He is speaking like a normal human being.  They are giving him less and less meds and that seems to be the reason he "freaks out" once in a while.

What did he do to himself?  How did he let himself get so lost in these damned drugs?  

Okay.... breath.  

I keep telling myself that the important thing is that not only was it HIS idea to go .... but he told me again today that he is not leaving until he is sure he can live without drugs.  That he never wants to go back to that again.  That is so good.... so good.

But my God it is so terrifying to hear him in the midst of these withdrawals!  The physical pain... the mental anguish... and I KNOW he is 30 but does that really matter?????  He is still my son... my first born... the light of my eyes.

For all you moms out there who have written me about your children and their addictions... pray!  Pray every single day... pray every moment you can... He really does hear us.  I have so much hope for Charlie.... I have hope for your children too. Don't lose that.  Your love is stronger than the cocaine, the meth, the pills... the crap.

And for all you moms that have written me that you lost a child to drugs.... know that you did everything you could... know that nobody loved that child as much as you did... know that "tough love" did not take your child .... the drugs did.


  1. Oh,Elena..I pray every day for your son,you and all who love Charlie. I pray for my daughter everyday. Thank you for continuing to share this very intimate part of your brings me hope! Ann

  2. God loves Charlie and He is watching over him. Thank you for being strong in faith, for sharing your heart with others and for the hope that inspires us to persevere above all else. Love you both VERY much!