Not a good day

I am probably one of the most positive people you could ever meet in your life.  I have been through a lot of things and always manage to find that elusive silver lining.

But today is not a good day.  For the first time in my entire life, I am feeling defeated.   I hate feeling like this.  It is not who I am.  It is certainly not who I want to be.  

So I will give myself a few more hours of feeling like this and get up off my ass.  There may be things that will be inevitable.   There may be things that will ultimately be more than what I believe I can handle.   But I will have faith that somehow I will get through whatever comes my way.   I will believe that whatever happens it's God's plan.

But for now, for the next couple of hours, I will indulge in some sadness and self-pity.  Why not?   Despite what everyone else seems to believe, I am human too.  I can't always be "strong".  I should not have to be.

The days are going by so quickly

There have been a lot of things happening that I would have liked to blog about.  Some good things. Some bad.

Writing has always been very therapeutic for me.  Yet there have been days lately when the idea of putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) takes a lot more energy than I seem to have.

Charlie got in trouble again.  Arrested for DUI on his birthday.  Violated his probation.  I don't think I even need to say how I feel about that.  I keep thanking God that nobody was hurt and try to see the positive in a very negative situation.  But either I'm getting too old for this stress, or I am just on overload with him.  

My granddaughters are growing and beautiful.  Savannah just turned two years old on October 29.  We went to Disney World that weekend and though exhausting, it's always wonderful to spend time with them and with my daughter.

Haven't felt very creative.  I'm working on a wonderful project by Kathy Orta.  It is going very slowly and I haven't gotten as much done as I wish I would have, but the idea is for it to be therapeutic and relaxing.  So I am taking my time.  It's called a memory box and it is absolutely spectacular.  I will blog about it, hopefully tomorrow, so you guys can see the amazing talent that Kathy is.

My partnership with Jessica and Bernadette is going wonderfully.  I am enjoying practicing law again and for that I am grateful.  It is great to have two talented women to bounce ideas off of.  I have always loved practicing law, but had lost sight of my love for the law within the stress of the everyday practice.  I am once again finding the passion in what I do.  I am luckier than most.

I need more "me" time.  I need to get into my studio and get full of paint and glue.  I need to cut beautiful paper and create something pretty.  But to be able to do that, to be able to enjoy the creative endeavors that I want to do, I need to breathe.  Right now, it's hard to breathe.

I need to learn to cope with all of the issues with my son.  He had been doing so well.  Although on an objective level I know that so many years of addiction do not just go away;  although I know that there will be relapses and there will be falls he will need to get up from;  although I know all of these things, it still breaks my heart in 300,000 pieces to see the light go out of his eyes. To see him struggle.  To see him so afraid of life that he would rather be numb to any feelings.  And all I can do is talk to him and continue to talk to him until he is so frustrated with me that we just both walk away from each other.  But I can't stop talking to him.  I can't stop trying to make him see what I see.  Not only am I not mentally able to stop doing it, I am afraid that if I do he will forget to breathe.

I am so grateful for so many wonderful things in my life.  I hold onto that as a drowning man holds onto whatever floats by him.  And sadly, I no longer know how to keep my head above water.  So I hold onto whatever I can and pray that one day things will be "normal" and I won't have to be so afraid all the time.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today we celebrated my mother's 78th birthday.  Her birthday is actually on the 26th but we are going to Disney next weekend for Savannah's 2nd birthday so we celebrated today.

I think we were all thinking how close we came to losing her a few months ago and we are grateful God let us keep her.

Happy birthday Mom.

PROJECT LIFE

I am excited about this project life.  I think it will be a very personalized way to scrap your days. As usual, I have purchased just about everything that goes with project life. And there is not one thing I regret buying. It's fun to sit there with just pictures and blank pages and not have to stress about embellishments or anything else although you can put them on too.  

To  me project life is not so much about the pretty things on the scrapbook page but about the pictures and the thoughts that go along with them. I have done several pages that I'm happy with. I need to go back and write.  

It is also good practice because I have decided that as of January 1 I will do the project life page for every week. Obviously things happen in your life even if it's just seeing a beautiful bird you photograph or an old lady dancing to the sound of her iPod,   Kittens in the street, the wonderful smell of fresh donuts- the smell is enough to take you back when you were a child.

Yea.....  I think I ,am going to love Project life

JUST THINKING.....

about how blessed I am to have so many wonderful friends in the United States and abroad.  I am honored to have these women as part of my life.  Strong artistic women who care.  

I just wanted to say how much you are loved and appreciated.  And I know you know who you are.

IN A SLUMP

I hate it when I fall into these slumps.  Totally do not feel like doing anything creative.  It took me a month and a half to finish something that should've taken me two days.  Uggggh.  I just refuse to send out something I would not want to receive.

I have not worked in my personal journal and several months.  I think that is why my mind is so scrambled.  Journaling is my therapy.  I have to get into the habit again of journaling every day.  Because even on those days where nothing interesting happens, journaling can be a form of relaxation.

My BFF Jacquie and I are doing project life.  We both really enjoy it but have to struggle for the time to do it.  I have some new ideas on how to do it that I am looking forward to trying.  

Received new art supplies these past two weeks which I will share at some point.  I have several of Kathy Orta tutorials that I want to do.  Her projects are absolutely fabulous.   If you live under a rock and don't know Kathy, go to paperphenomenon.com.  All of her projects are really great.  Some of the supplies that I have received our specifically to do her projects.   I sat down in my studio on Saturday, determined to at least start one of the projects I want to do.  When into the studio, looked at all the pretty supplies, glanced around, and closed the door.  I went into my room and watch back to back lifetime movies.  A very chick thing to do.  , And had lots and lots of popcorn.  They say this is a symptom of early senility.  I am not quite sure. LOL!

Before starting any project, I need to unwind.  I am really happy at the new law firm I truly believe I made the right decision.  Jessica and Bernadette are great to work with.  They are both fabulous lawyers.  We work hard, but we always have fun.  The interaction of ideas is what I missed most when I worked alone.  BUT (and you know there was a butt coming) I am not thrilled with the lack of personal downtime.  I do understand that as part of the three partner firm, you cannot be less than a third of that firm.  My partners will tell you that I carry my load plus a lot more. I guess I just need some me time.  And frankly, that does not look good right now.  Not only do I have a much bigger responsibility in this firm,  I have an incredible amount of work.  Thank God I enjoy it.  On top of that, I want to study for the certification examination that is in February.  I want to become certified in family and marital law. Is it necessary? No.   Doesn't really make any difference at the end of the day? No.   So why do it huh?  Well, why not.  I have no place higher to go. I have no other accomplishments that I need to reach.  Very few lawyers are certified in their field to practice and I like the idea of being one of the few like the Marines. Either that or like my friends tell me I am after all a masochist.

We are also starting to plan our Keys 4 Art retreat in March 2014.  I can hardly believe it is only five months away!   Every year seems to go by faster and faster.  A little scary when you're 52 years old!  For this retreat, the wonderful DJ Pettit Will be teaching a three day class on her wonderful journals.  DJ is a beautiful soul and a fantastic artist and I know my friends will love her.  We have always been so blessed to have such wonderful artists join us at our retreat!  This event is the one thing I look forward to the most every year.  Each and everyone of the artists who attend are my friends.  I love these women dearly, and I know they look forward to this as much as I do.

If anybody bumps into my muse, please send her home!

The days are slipping by

Haven't had a chance to come back and blog since my trip to Cuba. Lots of good things happening but very short on time. Last night I saw the movie The Butler. It was an amazing amazing movie. It makes you sad, disgusted, angry, and a million other emotions all at one time.<br />

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What a shameful chapter in our country's history.  And when we look at it we have to realize that this happened in our lifetime!  Or at least in mine.  This is not something that happened 200 years ago. I was repulsed at what I saw and totally blown away by the fact that this actually happened in the United States.  I don't believe anyone can look at that movie and not have the same feelings that I did.  It makes me wonder why it is that we've always gone to the rescue of every other country in the world, fought against every injustice in those other countries, and treated our own citizens like animals.  <br />

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If you haven't seen that movie, do yourself a huge favor and watch it. Not only is it an exceptional movie, but it is one that will make you FEEL.