Once again time just flies past me

This has been the most horrible year of my entire life.  Charlie passed away on January 12, 2017.  Drugs of course.  He had so many drugs in such huge amounts in his system they couldn't even tell what actually killed him.

We were talking at 3:30 in the morning.  He looked like he was really out of it and I begged him to stop.   He said he was going to eat something and then go to sleep.  "I love you Charlie"  "I love you Ma."  At  8 am when I woke up and forced the bathroom door open my son was dead.  I still can't believe it.  I don't even know how to write this without it sounding like a work of fiction.

It's been 4 months and nothing is easier, the pain does not let up.  Sometimes, in my days of less sanity, I convince myself he is in rehab and will be back.  The on clearer days I know I will never see him again and I want to die.

How can anything in my life even matter after this?