Thursday, June 13, 2013

My AHA moment

Last night I was on a very small clip on TV in regard to a case I am involved with.  Very small but not enough to disguise how fat I am!!!  I had no idea when it was airing but my assistant called me and told me it would air at 10.  So I watched.  And I watched. And I had what Oprah would call an "aha" moment.

I am over weight.  About 45 pounds over weight and I hate it.  I really do. I knew I was over weight.  I have known for a while - but SEEING myself, really SEEING myself was a humbling experience.

Okay so this is the moment where those of you who love me or are just kind say.... Oh, you are not THAT over weight;  You have so much on your plate;  blah blah blah.  Nonsense.  I am over weight.  Period.  I will get hate mail telling me how "being over weight is not a crime", how "you can be over weight and be a wonderful person" - blah blah blah - all that is true.  But it is no less true that NOBODY wants to be over weight.  Yes, you can be a wonderful person but I would rather be a wonderful and HAPPY person, thank you very much.   If you are happy being overweight - good for you!  I'm not.

I can find a lot of "reasons" for it - menopause (which, by the way is kicking my ass), 100 units of insulin a day, the fact that I SIT all day in my office, or simply my love for rice, potatoes, pasta and dessert!!!  But I hate it.

But see, being overweight is not like being blind or unable to walk.  It's is  not a permanent, unchangeable condition.  It is not easy to lose weight any more - not at 52 - but it certainly is not an unattainable goal.

So what's the problem?  Lack of motivation; laziness; lethargy; complacency; all of the above?  I really think it's a neck and neck race between laziness and complacency.  Ugggh.  I am SO not the type to "settle" for something that makes me unhappy.  And that is exactly what I have done.  I don't say that in contemplation of a pity party - just stating a fact.

I have written posts about this before and all I have actually DONE about it is gain more weight.  Not very encouraging and certainly not a successful endeavor.

My good friend Jacquie - God bless her - is encouraging me to walk every day.  "Get up early" she says; "you will enjoy it" she says.  No I wont.  I am NOT a morning person - AT ALL - and can not think of ANYTHING more boring or depressing than walking - iPod or not - just for the sake of losing weight.  Not going anywhere - just going around and around.  I see people walking and I see a bunch of hamsters in a cage going around and around on a wheel.  Really??  Nope.  Not for me.   I love you Jac - but I don't see it happening.

I was put on an insulin pump on Tuesday.  I will hopefully need a lot less insulin so THAT excuse is no longer available to me.  In the end, diabetes is like that damned hamster wheel - eat... gain weight/high sugar... high sugar/insulin... insulin/hunger... eat!  Yep, a frickin hamster.

Okay so I digress into an "almost" pity party...

Today I went to see a Zumba class.  I have always wanted to do Zumba.  I love music and I love to dance which totally offsets my hatred for gyms and machines that are meant to torture you into submission.   You think twice about stuffing something unhealthy into your mouth - not because you are "disciplined" (that's a bunch of shit!), but because the idea of getting on one of those machines makes you want to stuff your finger into your throat and throw up that wonderful, sinful, fattening Twinkie you just ate.  Yes, it's true - please don't patronize me by saying you actually "enjoy" working out - who BELIEVES that?  Nobody.  It's like those people that "love" Starbucks.  Really?  You need a damned masters degree just to order a cup of coffee.  You guys only pay $85 for a cup of coffee because it makes you feel good to order a cup of coffee in 30 words or more.

Don't give me that - "oh I LOVE the way I feel when I work out!"  Bullshit!  You hurt like hell the next day and just want to roll on the floor and die.

But Zumba?  I can do that - I think.  I will let you know if I don't drop dead of a stroke in the middle of a merengue.


  1. Elena
    I have followed you for awhile but rarely comment. Too lazy.
    I applaud your blog today. You tell it the way it is and boy can I ever relate. Thanks.

  2. Losing weight, like quitting smoking or anything else, is an ongoing battle. People ( like you and me) who keep working at it, even when we fail but get back up and work at it, can be proud. It's just too easy to give up and not take care of ourselves, and especially at this age, when losing weight is harder than ever. We each just need to find what works for us. My husband and I are doing Nutrisystem, and we decided we'll do it at least one month every year for maintenance. Some people do weight watchers. Others work out a lot. Just do it, I guess, and keep getting back up every time we fall and do it again. Go you!

  3. Well my dear friend....,
    I confess( and you already know this) that I LOVE to walk!
    I am NOT patronizing you when I say if believe me. I started walking after I had my daughter 30 years and never stopped.
    If I can't walk for whatever reason... I really miss it.
    It is the best thing you can do .
    However if you hate the idea of it you probably won't do it. So if Zumba is something you'll love then DO it a few times a week. Minimum!
    Good for you I say!!!
    Oh and by the way do NOT diss my beloved Starbucks mama!!!my order is only 4 words thank you very much!!!!!!!
    Bravo for this recent post! Hope you love Zumba!!!
    Hugs , Sue

  4. Bravo for a courageous post! And yes, being overweight will win over you, and cut many years off your life and your enjoyment of your grandkids. I have found, just like you, that I don't really enjoy exercise, and that I spend way too much time on my bum. So the logical conclusion was to cut portion size, since I really didn't need the calories. It was tough at first. But keeping track has really been helpful to notice all the hidden little ice cream bites, and the slices of cheese while I wait for my small and healthy dinner to be ready.
    It's a process. It's a decision one makes.
    And once YOU make up your mind, you will accomplish amazing results, because that's who you are. You already have the courage and discipline you need.

  5. Dear Elena,
    My stepdaughter has gained over 60 pounds in just one year after switching to 2 shots of insulin a day. She also quit exercising and had a lot of stress. I am encouraging her to look for more information on managing diabetes thatn her HMO is giving her. If you run across any group or info that helps you please forward it to me and I will do the same. I think you figured out a great solution, Zumba is fun and you can go at your own pace as far as learning the moves. If you get winded just walk or jog lightly in place until you can pick it back up again. Have you considered Yoga ( even thought I can hear you saying it is too slow)? LOL It helps with stress, forces you to stretch your muscles and is a form of meditation. I am going to start a class this week and I'll let you know how it goes. I believe you can do anything because you are amazing at any size.
    Love ya,
    Jen oxox