Last night I was on a very small clip on TV in regard to a case I am involved with. Very small but not enough to disguise how fat I am!!! I had no idea when it was airing but my assistant called me and told me it would air at 10. So I watched. And I watched. And I had what Oprah would call an "aha" moment.
I am over weight. About 45 pounds over weight and I hate it. I really do. I knew I was over weight. I have known for a while - but SEEING myself, really SEEING myself was a humbling experience.
Okay so this is the moment where those of you who love me or are just kind say.... Oh, you are not THAT over weight; You have so much on your plate; blah blah blah. Nonsense. I am over weight. Period. I will get hate mail telling me how "being over weight is not a crime", how "you can be over weight and be a wonderful person" - blah blah blah - all that is true. But it is no less true that NOBODY wants to be over weight. Yes, you can be a wonderful person but I would rather be a wonderful and HAPPY person, thank you very much. If you are happy being overweight - good for you! I'm not.
I can find a lot of "reasons" for it - menopause (which, by the way is kicking my ass), 100 units of insulin a day, the fact that I SIT all day in my office, or simply my love for rice, potatoes, pasta and dessert!!! But I hate it.
But see, being overweight is not like being blind or unable to walk. It's is not a permanent, unchangeable condition. It is not easy to lose weight any more - not at 52 - but it certainly is not an unattainable goal.
So what's the problem? Lack of motivation; laziness; lethargy; complacency; all of the above? I really think it's a neck and neck race between laziness and complacency. Ugggh. I am SO not the type to "settle" for something that makes me unhappy. And that is exactly what I have done. I don't say that in contemplation of a pity party - just stating a fact.
I have written posts about this before and all I have actually DONE about it is gain more weight. Not very encouraging and certainly not a successful endeavor.
My good friend Jacquie - God bless her - is encouraging me to walk every day. "Get up early" she says; "you will enjoy it" she says. No I wont. I am NOT a morning person - AT ALL - and can not think of ANYTHING more boring or depressing than walking - iPod or not - just for the sake of losing weight. Not going anywhere - just going around and around. I see people walking and I see a bunch of hamsters in a cage going around and around on a wheel. Really?? Nope. Not for me. I love you Jac - but I don't see it happening.
I was put on an insulin pump on Tuesday. I will hopefully need a lot less insulin so THAT excuse is no longer available to me. In the end, diabetes is like that damned hamster wheel - eat... gain weight/high sugar... high sugar/insulin... insulin/hunger... eat! Yep, a frickin hamster.
Okay so I digress into an "almost" pity party...
Today I went to see a Zumba class. I have always wanted to do Zumba. I love music and I love to dance which totally offsets my hatred for gyms and machines that are meant to torture you into submission. You think twice about stuffing something unhealthy into your mouth - not because you are "disciplined" (that's a bunch of shit!), but because the idea of getting on one of those machines makes you want to stuff your finger into your throat and throw up that wonderful, sinful, fattening Twinkie you just ate. Yes, it's true - please don't patronize me by saying you actually "enjoy" working out - who BELIEVES that? Nobody. It's like those people that "love" Starbucks. Really? You need a damned masters degree just to order a cup of coffee. You guys only pay $85 for a cup of coffee because it makes you feel good to order a cup of coffee in 30 words or more.
Don't give me that - "oh I LOVE the way I feel when I work out!" Bullshit! You hurt like hell the next day and just want to roll on the floor and die.
But Zumba? I can do that - I think. I will let you know if I don't drop dead of a stroke in the middle of a merengue.