On Turning 50

Okay, when you sit in a hospital for days on end you have lots of time to think.

About a lot of things.

One of those things is that I am now 50 years old.  Have been since December.  Not really happy about it.  Okay, the alternative would be worse - dying at 49 - but it still doesn't make 50 look any more attractive.

But there you have it.  I am 50.  Nothing can be done about that.

So, having accepted that, it seems that I should at least do something significant in my 50th year.  Something with some depth - some... how would you say it????  UMPHHHH.

As I have told you guys before, I have a very short bucket list.  I have very few regrets and that is great.

But there is something that has been bothering me A LOT lately.  I am 45 pounds overweight.  I am quite unhappy about that.  I am uncomfortable with the extra weight.  It doesn't FEEL right.  And I also hate the way it looks.

I am a firm believer in choices.  We all have them.  There are certain things in our life that we can't change no matter how unhappy we are about them.  I would LOVE to have been taller, naturally blond and to have had my dad's blue yes.  Not in the cards for me!  I am 5 feet tall, I can't even remember what my real hair color was (although now it is completely silver) and my eyes are brown.   Can't do anything about that.

But my weight?  Yeah, definitely something I can do.  I don't exercise AT ALL.  I eat totally unhealthy food - and, being Cuban - eat dinner at 10:00.  So.... if the weight is making me unhappy it is nobody's fault but mine.

Again - choices.  I can either be unhappy about it or change it. I am choosing to change it.  I have to be careful how I do it since I was anorexic for years in my 20s and really REALLY don't want to go through that again.  Very easy to become obsessed with weight.  But I am a much stronger person than I was at 25 so that excuse isn't going to fly either.

I am going to start a new journal - no idea what I will call it yet - but it will be solely about this new adventure.

Writing has always been therapeutic for me but on top of that, writing things makes you accountable.  Really.  It does.  Even if it's to no one else than yourself.

I went to the doctor recently and he weighed me (I HATE when he does that!).  I weigh 168 pounds.  My weight should be 130.  I have decided to lose 45 pounds instead of 38 to be on the safe side and just because I like the number!

I don't own a scale and I will not buy one.  Those things can make you nuts!  No, I will start my journal this weekend when I have some free time and I will weigh myself on the 1st of each month.

I have no idea HOW to "eat healthy".  Never had to.  I've gained this weight due to cortizone which I no longer need (hallelujah).  But I am sure it can't be that difficult!  It's just very sad to think that everything you really like is probably fattening and unhealthy!

The biggest thing is probably the exercising huh?  That means giving up some of the little bit of time I have for my art but so be it.  I have a brand new Bowflex treadmill which has yet to be connected into the electricity so that part is easy.

I will take the time to educate myself a little on nutrition (remember I am CUBAN - "nutritional" food in my household was always cuban bread soaked in condensed milk; white rice cooked with pork lard and fried EVERYTHING.)

I will keep a life change art journal.  I do not want to call it a "weight loss" art journal because the idea is not to only to lose the weight, but to keep it off by learning healthier habits.  (Geeez!  That sounds so damned boring!).

Anyway, a new adventure!