CHARLIE - DAY 14

I spoke to my Charlie last night and he sounds WONDERFUL!  He sounds like the son I thought was lost to me.  It brings tears to my eyes just to even write this.  He was not paranoid - not "strung out" not "out of it" - he was just Charlie.

Charlie went to the Cordon Bleu to be a chef and he loves to cook.  He has taken over the cooking duties at the residence for everyone and is happier than I have heard him in a long time.

He is a little homesick I think but still DETERMINED to beat this.  Can you believe it????  I have been struggling against this addiction for FIFTEEN YEARS.  Do I dare to hope that this will at least be the beginning of a new life for him?  I am so scared to get my hopes up and then....  No!  I will not even think that way.  For the first time HE wants to be clean.  HE wants to stop.

Prayers... oh the power of prayers!  With so many wonderful people praying for him... people who don't know him... who don't know ME!  God is listening... He is working on my son...
He will return him to me!

So many of you are following Charlie's progress... so many of you hoping and praying for your own babies...

To see my son smile at me with clear eyes... to hear his voice strong and resonant; not weak or strung out.  To not have to "concentrate" on what he is saying or how he is saying it in order to figure out what he's on...  To go to bed at night NOT expecting the phone to ring with awful news...

To not have to feel defensive with your own family.... to not feel that you have to excuse, justify or explain; because YOU know what your child is and what he/she does... but you sure as hell don't want anyone else pointing it out.  Are we enablers by doing this?   Are we hurting them by wanting to protect them?  I don't know.  I don't have the answers.

I am sure I have made mistakes in handling Charlie; I am sure there are tons of things I could have done differently.  But where the hell do you get an instruction manual on dealing with a child who is a drug addict?  Where do you go to learn to do things "the right way"?  Well, I HAVE done things the "right way".  I have loved and will always love my son unconditionally.  That's the only way I know how to.

Hold on to your children even when they push you away.  Don't let anyone tell you that "tough love" means letting them crash and burn while you step to the side and do nothing.

That's not "tough love" - that is giving up.